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I got up today thinking that things would be
different. I thought that you would have come in the night while
I was sleeping and things would be like they’re supposed to be.
I thought that you would kiss my lips and tell me good morning.
I even thought you would join me in the shower and wash my back.
I thought that I would hear your voice as you apologized for
taking so long in coming to me. I thought a lot of things but
the truth is Keanu doesn’t love me. I can’t even fantasize about
it anymore.
* *
*
Do you remember that time by the lake? It was early summer; the
temperature hadn’t had a chance to climb. We sat there for hours on
that tattered blanket, talking about the future and what we would do
if only we had money. We dreamed the dreams of dreamers that day,
never expecting them to actually come true.
Do you remember the day you got the news? I was so happy for you,
and I thought we were on top of the world. Your very first book
arrived just a month later. I was so proud that I could hardly stand
it. I told all of our friends before you had the chance, and your
mom and dad even pretended to like me when they arrived to help
celebrate.
Do you remember what you promised? It’s funny
how that’s the loudest thought in my head, the promise you made
to love me and honor me for richer or poorer, in sickness and in
health. I remember that promise. Why don’t you? I guess you
don’t really love at all, do you, Keanu?
* *
*
“Are your bonds too tight, my love? Can you still feel your fingers
and toes? I know you’re uncomfortable, but it really has to be this
way. What’s that you said? I can’t hear you. It’s probably the gag
in your mouth. Oh well, you’d probably just spout more drivel about
not loving me. I can’t care to listen to that just now.”
*
“Aren’t I taking good care of you? I even took the gag out of your
mouth so that I could feed you. It was very wrong of you to spit the
food in my face that way. Maybe a day or two with nothing to eat
will soften your heart. God knows I’m a patient man. I think I’ve
shown just how patient I am.”
*
“Do your muscles ache, my love? I should probably massage them more.
You really shouldn’t try to break the chains though. I promise
they’re quite unbreakable. You’ll love me when this is over, and I
can’t have you running off until that day comes. This is for the
best. I swear it is.”
*
“Why are your eyes so distant, my love? Can’t you see that I do this
because I love you so? I tried to tell you what would happen if you
spurned me. I told you about my temper. Things are better this way.
Trust me; this is much better than my first thought. Well, anyway.”
*
“It’s truly a pity that you don’t love me the way that I love you.
You could have saved yourself this entire trauma, my love. You could
have at least pretended. Maybe one day inside the pretense you’d
have fallen in love for real. Now we’re forced to live out this
charade day after day. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this
up.”
*
“The police asked me questions today, my love. They still think your
name is Daryl. I told them exactly what I said I would. You left in
a hurry that night, and I haven’t heard a word out of you since.
It’s not all a lie, my love. I haven’t heard a coherent word out of
you since you told me that you don’t love me. I refuse to hear
anything but laments of your love for me, and until then you won’t
speak. If your heart never warms to me then maybe you’ll never say
another word. I can’t think on that just now. It’s a lovely day.
Shall I open a window so you can feel the breeze, my love?”
*
“You’ve broken your chair, my love! Why do you fight me so? The
chains are sound, and you won’t get away. I planned this perfectly
before I even told you that I am in love with you. I guess somewhere
in the back of my mind I realized that there was a chance that you
wouldn’t feel the same way. Now you know what not loving me will get
you.”
*
“Isn’t the bed more comfortable, my love? It’s not as hard as that
uncomfortable chair. Perhaps breaking it was a good thing, although
now I don’t have an entire set. It was my grandmother’s dining set,
my love. I can’t replace the broken chair. I shall have to think on
the proper punishment for breaking such a cherished relic.”
*
“Is the pain exquisite, my love? I’ve never had to endure a lash
before, so I truly don’t know how painful it is. Your back is all
striped now, but they will fade soon. Didn’t I do a good job rubbing
the ointment in? You howled so marvelously, my love! I feared the
neighbors would hear. Good thing they live so far away, isn’t it?”
*
“You do soil yourself so, my love. I think this is the worst part of
this ordeal, having to endure the scent of your excrement and clean
it up! I shan’t get angry about it though, my love. Don’t fear it. I
know you can’t help it. It’s a bodily function after all. If it gets
to be too much for me, my love, I’ll think of how to rid you of
those functions forever. Won’t that be grand?”
*
“Well that’s done with, my love. The police aren’t even looking for
you anymore. They think you’ve run off with some girl. Isn’t that
funny, my love? A girl! I could laugh myself into a stupor over the
sheer lunacy of it. Yes, yes, I know that you have always dated
girls, my love. I know that you’ve been confused for so long. Thank
the heavens that I’m setting the world right for you! You’d have
ended up married to some sop, and then you wouldn’t be happy. Yes,
you’re not exactly happy now, I know. That’s your fault, my love. If
you would just love me this would end. You’d be free.”
*
“You have to help me, my love. I’m a strong man but I have my
limits. Don’t think of the shotgun, love. You won’t try to get away.
I know that. Yet you need to be up and about from time to time. I
can’t have bed sores to deal with, can I? The hospital will catch on
to how much I’m borrowing from their stores if you get too ill,
love. Come, let’s walk in the sunlight. The days are getting
shorter, love. There won’t be much warmth left soon. Just remember
that if you try to run, and you manage to get far with your
shackles, I’ll fire, my love.”
*
“I’m not sure I like the tears, love. Making love with you was the
most wondrous event of my life. It was almost all I expected. Of
course you couldn’t take me in your arms with them secured to the
bed posts that way. I understand. I can’t like these tears though.
You make it seem as if what we did was horrible with those tears.
No, I think I should leave you to ponder in silence, love. Yes,
that’s the ticket. I’ll just prepare lunch. There’s no use in my
mood being darkened by your stupid tears.”
*
“Look out the window, love. Do you see the three perfect flower
beds? I only thought of this because the day is so clear and sunny.
I wanted to tell you about the flower beds because I suspect that
you’ve been lying to me all along. I hope that isn’t so, love. Those
three flower beds are all that’s left of the last three men who
pretended to be the man I love. What’s that, love? I know it’s
difficult to talk with the gag in. I’ll just assume you’re assuring
me that you are the man I love.”
*
“I read in a magazine today that you’re supposed to be filming,
love. Won’t they be surprised when you don’t show up on the set? Oh,
how funny it would be to see them all frantic as they try to find
you. You’ll be here with me safe and sound. Aren’t you happy that I
love you so much?”
*
“I know you’re not really Keanu. How could you try to trick me? I
think it’s time that you pay for what you’ve done. When I think of
all the love and care I’ve bestowed on you only to find out that
you’ve lied to me all this time, I just get so angry! I’ll think on
your punishment.”
*
“Is that fear in your eyes? It should be. I’ve decided how to make
you pay. Oh, scream for me, my ugly imposter! Scream until your
lungs are sore! Would you like to taste your blood? It is wicked and
impure, but I think it’s fit for you to consume. How could
you make me do this again? Why did you lie to me?”
*
“You can’t lie to me anymore now. I think
daisies will look good come spring. Now that you’re in the
ground next to your lying companions, I’ll have to start looking
for the real Keanu again. I can’t believe I wasted so much time
with you. Daisies aren’t good enough for you. Atamasco Lilies
will be perfect. They’re beautiful but poisonous. Why that’s
just like you, isn’t it? Yes, the lilies will look wondrous
here.”
* *
*
I
tended the new flower garden today. The deadly lilies are blooming,
and they’re so beautiful. Keanu, just wait until you see what I’ve
had to do because you’ve made me wait. I watched you move in to the
little house on Bleaker Street today. I read somewhere that you like
little houses, so I guess this time it’s really you. I’ll have to
figure out how to get you to the farm so I can make you love me.
You
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